I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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