dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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