I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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