Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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