I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
