I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
