Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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