You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Is it penis luge time yet?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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