So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
