Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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