I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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