Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
