Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
