dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
