Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
