I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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