yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
