my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
