I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize