Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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