my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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