i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
