my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
