Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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