she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
