You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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