oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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