I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
