saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
