I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
