Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You need a sexual gate keeper
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
