hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
