i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He? As in you personified your dick?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
