Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
