i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
