yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
God, I missed his penis.
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