Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
