I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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