Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
