Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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