my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
