Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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