And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
