Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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