6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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