as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Watching her eat just hurts me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
