so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize