shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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