You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
