I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
