so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
