i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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