How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
