I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
