you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
