When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
