Dual....:-)
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
