my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
