I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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