there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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