dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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