I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
